how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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