70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
