my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
