he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
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I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
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There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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