U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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