In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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