Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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