So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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