That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
