I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize