And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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