He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
