I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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