He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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