I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
