where am i from again
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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