Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
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