There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
