my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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