i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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