"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
