Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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