do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
