Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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