he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
