Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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