I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
