Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
