I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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