Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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