I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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