I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
