My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
