Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
