so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
