Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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