Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
