Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
