There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
