Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
