You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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