I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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