i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
