Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
