the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
