I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
