Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
