you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
