In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
