dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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