just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
