I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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