Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
