No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
3 2 1 whiskey
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
