woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Randomize