I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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