so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
