Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
